


A Bard Tail

by BardsAmbrosia



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Cat Puns, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, kankri will be triggered, sea puns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-01
Updated: 2015-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-10 01:52:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/780405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BardsAmbrosia/pseuds/BardsAmbrosia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nepeta helps Cronus with his quadrants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bard meets the Rouge

\--> Try hitting on a tree.

No. You're just practicing your moves so you can do the actual thing perfectly and this is ridiculous, but no one is around so its totally cool.

"You're so beautiful that if you were stairs I would trip on purpose. Because I would so land on that."

/Hiisssss/

You shuffle away from the tree when you hear a weird noise. You look up and see nothing particularly odd and continue.

"...Has anyone ever told you you have the best rack? Well you do and I don't mean the one you hang your clothes on." You smirk at yourself even though in the back of your mind that was awful.

But its a fact that you're hot enough that it will slide.

"Baby the stars can't compare to your eyes, yours are just too dazzlin'." 

"UGH!"

You jump, startled as someone falls out of the tree, feet first. "Oh that was just PAW-FUL!" And she sinks to her knees with the back of her hand on her forehead and a hand on her heart like she's in some tragic opera scene.

"I think," she lays on the ground and chokes, "I'm gonna die," she chokes more and with a long intake of breath, "Twice...!"

You stare blankly as she goes still. She lays there and doesn't get up. You walk over without a word, mouth slightly open anyway.

She springs up when you get to close and you stumble back. 

"What the fuck?" You look at her like you just saw a flying bark beast playing a flute. 

She gets a worried look on her face. "If that's how you try to romance others then you'll never get anywhere! You can't even catnap a kismesis like that!"

Your fins flare a little at the obvious insult to your tactics. You get a good look at her and immediately can tell she is Meulin's descendant. The cat puns are a totally give away too. Not to mention shes pretty loud.

"Listen doll I think I can handle filling my own quadrants." You fix your jacket like the cool cat you are and smile.

She raises a brow and shakes her head. "Sorry Mr. Ampurra...but you're gonna need my help."

"Mister?" You frown. She comes over with a little sway to her hips that the stupid green overcoat she's wearing can't conceal and she takes her arm around yours.

 

Not expecting that at all, you stumble when she walks in the opposite direction, quite hastily. "Hmph. Fine, Cronus!"

You inwardly sigh when she says your name to loud with you being right next to her and all. And at the fact she's locking arms with you. You shrug off the feeling and get into stride with her. "So whats your name, kitten?"

She giggles. "Nepeta." She stops in her tracks suddenly and you stumble again because you were looking at her and not in front of you. Cool guys don't stumble, you need to stop that.

"And I'm the Rouge of Heart," the dream bubble changes somewhat, but you're still in the forest and now there's a cave wall in front of you and she stands beside it. "At your service."

You stare at it and your face falls because you now see its a shipping wall and this is stupid. Shipping walls aren't cool. They're for wrigglers; only wrigglers are obsessed with shipping.

\--> Nepeta to the rescue.

You had to help this poor, poor fishy. He is a complete romantic disappointment and it would be a shame to your title if you didn't help....

Well that and the fact that this is bet between you and The Disciple- you mean Meulin, to get Cronus in atleast one quadrant by the end of the week. And if you succeed she will stop shipping you with Gamzee Makara I need a kick in my dumb clown ass.

That should be his whole name, you think.

It sucks that she thinks Leijons and Makaras is a universal ship besides the bestest pale and eternal ship to ever mark any and every universe; the Zahhak and Leijon ship. It is the only one you both can really agree on.

Anyway this Ampora seems more friendly than the one you know, so this shouldn't be to hard.

You show him your shipping wall and hes clearly not excited. You're use to that sort of reaction. It means the person is ignorant to power of the wall of ships. It is your duty to show them to the way of the light. Or in your case, the heart.

You gesture for him to come closer and hes at first reluctant, but comes over anyway.

You point at the second row, where you have prepared every possible ship there could be with him in the dream bubble.

"Ugh.." He grimaces. "Is that me and Kurloz red? That would never happen. The guy probably hates me to death and is hiding it through some calm hostility."

You giggle. "Well purrhaps if you'd changed your ways you could have a chance."

He looks at you sceptically. 

"When it comes to love, there's always a way. Trust me."

Cronus looks at the wall again, on a different row and sees one crossed out. Its marked on rather badly. He points to it.

"What about that one?"

You look once slowly and then again, doing a double take.

"Oh that?!" You hiss. "Its not going to happen!"

Cronus looks at it closer and makes it out to be, "Little Makara and you..."

You growl. "Don't put me in the same sentence as him."

Cronus smirks. "Didn't you just say when it comes to love, there's always a way?"

"...."

Cronus stuffs his hands in his pockets, leaning in. "Well?"

".... This isn't about me. This is about you." You huff and turn back to the wall.

"Hypocrite."

You ignore him. "First we'll try the pale quadrant. 

He tsk's. "I don't feel like having a pale quadrant."

"Listen, if you want a flush quadrant it is your best interest to fill the pale one first."

"Why?"

"It evens things out!! Pale is the first and most ideal quadrant anyone should fill before getting into the others. Pale makes things go smoother in other relationships. Without it other quadrants can be hostile one way or another."

You smile as you think about your best friend Equius. Without him, sometimes you'd be a mess and he the same.

Cronus interrupts your thoughts. "Thanks for the information, but no thanks. Besides no one listens to me...besides Kankri. And he doesn't do quadrants." 

"Do you ever make an attempt to listen to anyone else?" 

Cronus hesitates to answer and chews his bottom lip slightly and you take that as a 'no.'

You go up to him and give him a friendly pat on the back, "Don't worry my aquatic amgio. I'll make sure you have one quadrant filled by the end of week!"

"...Aquatic what?"

You shrug with a smile, "I don't know, but it sounds funny!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cronus could of been more...assertive? Idk blarg


	2. Porrim

\-- > Sew something for Kankri.

 

You sit at your sewing machine sewing something for the insufferable. That red sweater is an eye sore and you figure while you're at it you'll get him to stop wearing those ridiculous pants.

 

You're halfway done with the top while you plan how you are going to get him to change his outfit.

 

 _Perhaps I can knock him out and put them on him. Yes, that should be sufficient.'_ A small smile presents itself on your face. Why haven't you thought of this before?

 

While you think of how nicely Kankri will look in this new attire, there is a knock at your door.

 

You don't usually get company at your humble abode. You get up and get to the door gracefully at record time. When you open it...its quite, how would you say?

 

Disappointing.

 

Because its Cronus.

 

And wait, he has flowers.

 

And they are the loveliest of colors.

 

"Hi, Porrim. You look nice today as usual. These are you." He offers them to you and you take them. 

 

"Thank you."

 

And all he does is smile.

 

No flirting.

 

No smirking.

 

No sexual innuendo.

 

Nothing.

 

Very odd, you think.

 

"What is it that you want?"

 

"Thought we could hang out and talk."

 

You weren't expecting that. But so far that shouldn't surprise you. You will not ask if this is some ruse, even though you are itching too.

 

"Although that sounds pleasant, I am currently busy with something. Perhaps another time?"

 

"Oh." He sounds a bit let down and then he perks up just as fast. "Can I help?"

 

 _What._ Is what you want to say, but you don't. "Really?"

 

Cronus' smile is seemingly genuine and unwavering. "Yeah, why not?"

 

"Then I suppose you can come in." You move aside to let the seadweller in and follow after him after you take care of the flowers. He stands in your living space, hands in his pockets and looking about the inferior. "Follow me."

 

You both enter your kitchen and you sit by the counter where your sewing machine is. Tentatively, you begin where you left off. "Please make yourself comfortable."

 

"Uh, yeah,sure..." He says, absentmindedly.

 

\--> Be Cronus.

 

 _'This chick has a killer hive.'_ You think, looking at the decoration. Your hive is a bit of a mess and a complete bore compared to hers. You never payed attention to how lame your hive was until now. Seahorse dad usually kept up with it though, so you never had to worry.

 

You sit down across from her and watch her sew something. She doesn't look at you and she's not saying anything. You're pretty sure she's not that preoccupied.

 

"So," You pause for a moment. "Who's that for?" You keep your smile just how you and Nepeta practiced yesterday. Nice and genuine. But not too happy. That would be creepy.

 

"Its for Kankri." Porrim turns off the machine. "What do you think?"

 

She holds it up and you think it looks alright. Its in the shape of a tank top but it looks like its made of spandex; nice for showing off a great upper body. It has black lining,while the rest is a blinding red for Kankri's blood color.

 

You want one yourself now the more you look at it. But you'll ask her some other time.

 

"That's really hot. Everyone in the dream bubble is going to try to jump him. If he wears it."

 

Porrim folds it and puts it to the side and gets out more fabric. "Most likely," She laughs. "But he will wear it."

 

"How do you plan on doing that?"

 

"...."

 

"...."

 

"Well."

 

"Well?"

 

"I was planning to do it by force, head on. It is a bad idea now that I think of it. I don't know how else I would get him to put it on without resulting in a strife."

 

"An ambush?" You mused. It was really the only way to get someone like Kankri to do this.

 

"That's a very good idea, it should suffice." Porrim looked up at you, quizzically. "I had no idea you could be so useful. I mean you pulled your weight in our sessions more than most of us, but you seemed mostly interested in-"

 

 _'You guys didn't give me a chance!'_ Is what you want to say, but you don't. It would only spoil the opportunities you have a possibility of getting now. 

 

"Yeah, I know. But I've changed. I've been shell-fish in the past. I'm tired of being alone all the time." You rest your arm on the counter and comb your fingers into your hair, looking rather frustrated.

 

Porrim frowns and moves her machine to the side to pap your hand. 

 

Its a nice feeling and you savor it.

 

Porrim moves back, her frown unwavering. "So that's why you chose to come here." Then she continues her work.

 

You chuckle, humor obviously void. "Hard to believe, huh?" 

 

Porrim nods knowingly and says nothing more. While she busies herself you observe how gracefully she moves hands about the cloth.

 

Thin, dainty fingers smooth out small wrinkles and moves out of the way from the needle with no rush and expertise. 

 

Your eyes move up her arms, her skin looks smooth and inviting. The tattoos that curve there, to and fro; you look way when they reach her chest and you shake your head.

None of that now.

 

_'You're doing good, Cronus. Don't fuck up...'_

 

Porrim catches you shaking your head. "Are you alright?" The noise from then sewing machine stops noisily when she turns it off.

 

You smile, kindly. "Nah, I'm as cool as a cat fish."

 

Porrim lets out an amused hum. "I hadn't known you liked fish puns as much as Meenah." She removes the pants and folds them. 

 

You shrug and get up when she does. You immediately assume she's going to see Kankri. And you're right when she pops out her sylladex and looks expectantly to you.

 

"Ready?" A smirk graced her face.

 

"Ready." And a grin full of sharp teeth on yours. "This'll be great."

 

\---> Be a happy Porrim.

 

You are the happiest you've been in awhile. Someone is actually partaking in something you care about, something that isn't in the least simple.

 

Getting Kankri into nice clothes made by yours truly.

 

"Here we are." You both reach the front of Kankri's hive. "Now into position."

 

Cronus nods and walks up to Kankri's door. You hide behind a nearby tree, completely out of site and watch.

 

Two knocks and within seconds Kankri answers the door.

 

"Ah, hello Cronus. This is a surprise....what is it?" 

 

"Hey, chief. Could you come out here for a few? Want to tell you something rather triggering to me." He frowns. Kankri takes the bait hook, line, and sinker.

 

"Of course!" Kankri hurriedly closed the door behind him and steps out closer to Cronus, keeping a comfortable distance all the same.

 

"What seems to be the problem?"

 

Cronus complains about something that concerns Rufioh and Seahorse dad which has Kankri in a state of awe, shock and frustration. Of course they are all lies.

 

"Basically, Rufioh is trying to take him away from me because he thinks I'm not good enough."

 

"That's ridiculous! How could he do such a thing?! I wouldn't have thought Rufioh would do something like this. Are you absolutely sure?"

 

"Cross my bloodpusher and hope to die."

 

Kankri scoffs. "Cronus please refrain from using that phrase. It may trigger some."

 

Cronus raises a brow. " _Riiighht._ Won't happen again. Sorry if I triggered you."

 

"Hmm, I accept your apology. I will also help you with this problem between you and Rufioh. It must be resolved as soon as possible so no unnecessary and violent tensions grow. The last thing we all need is that."

 

You come out from behind the tree and walk slowly towards them. Kankri's back is to you and their voices cover any noise from your footsteps. You sprint forward and latch onto him, pressing a dampened cloth to his nostrils. He flares up and Cronus helps to hold him still. Very soon he goes quiet and limp.

 

"Yes...!" You cheer in a hoarse whisper and lay him down. Cronus looks a bit guilty as he looks at Kankri's barely moving form.

 

"What have I gotten myself into? The guys goin' to fuckin' blow when he wakes up, ya know."

 

You smirked and leered down at Kankri. "The time has come." 

 

Cronus looks at you oddly and watches you take off his sweater. He blushes violet when he's sees his chubby belly; his whole upper body is soft and plush looking. And Kankri's mouth is somewhat ajar. Its one of the cutest things Cronus has ever seen. 

 

You could care less right now how adorable insufferable is at the moment and take the clothes out of your sylladex.

 

You have Cronus help you with the top and he stutters when you have him help with Kankri's pants. Kankri's cuteness has long lost its effect on you and you rolled your eyes when you hear Cronus let out a whimper.

 

Finally the clothes were all on and you walked back to look over your work, as did Cronus.

 

"Oh, wow."

 

"Indeed." 

 

"He looks really good." Cronus moved to feel the fabric of the tank top. "Velvet?"

 

"Yes. It will--" Kankri stirred and Cronus moved away slightly. You knew he would be awake within seconds and lash out with one of his terribly long sermons on whatever trigger that was currently being triggered. You hurried away while Cronus was distracted. 

 

\---> Be the chump.

 

"Por-- you gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me!  
Porrim?!" Looking around, you found that she left you to deal with the aftermath.

 

" **Cronus**."

 

"Nyeh."

 

You got back up on your feet and offered a hand to Kankri, but instead he just glared at you from his spot on the ground.

 

He shivered and looked down at his chest. " **What. Am. I. Wearing.** "

 

"Porrim--"

 

" **YOU TOOK OFF MY CLOTHES!?** "

 

"List--"

 

**"YOU UNDRESSED ME OUTSIDE!?"**

 

Kankri jumped up in a huff. "That is extremely insensitive and vulgar of you! How dare you--" You cut him off.

 

With a pap.

 

"Shoosh. Sorry, kan..."

 

Kankri trembled, biting his lip, much too hard. "Cro--nus?" 

 

You stop papping and move away again. You stuffed your hands in your pockets. Kankri makes a dramatic sigh and composes himself.

 

You look at him, shyly. "You okay?"

 

"Yes..thank you. Just don't do it again.."

 

You smiled little and kicked at ground a little with one foot. "Yeah, no problem."

 

Kankri quickly picked up his clothes and sped walked off, mumbling something about Porrim.

 

That was _sooo_ close.

 

_Beep, beep.'_

 

Your violet shellphone vibrates in your pocket.

 

AC: :33 Meows it going?!

CA: not exactly howv I wvanted it to

CA: porrim used me to get kan in some different clothes

CA: she's a reel one

AC: :33 Hmmm. Did Purrim act nice to you?

CA: yeah she was cool after wvhile 

AC: :33 Anything else happen? Like pale?

CA: yeah, but nothing serious an if small  
talk counts

AC: :33 Don't you mean sea-rious?? hehehehe!!

CA: oh my bad 

AC: :33 *sigh* ok! lets try someone else.

CA: wvho

AC: :33 Who evfur you run into next! 

CA: alrighty then

 

You furrowed your brows, feeling a slight annoyance. You hoped this shit would get you somewhere.

 

CA: talk to ya later

AC: :33 good luck!!!

 

Closing your shellphone, you frown and walk aimlessly. The dream bubble seemingly desolate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't do Netepa's text face thing properly. Messed up the format.


End file.
